- “And here I thought erections lasting four hours or more were a myth.”
- “I’m telling you, honey and cinnamon cure everything.”
- “This is going to sting.”
- “Don’t swallow that. It’s a suppository.”
- “At this point, how is your liver even still functioning?”
- “I hope you’re not scared of needles.”
- “So, uh, does a vibrating dildo stuck in the ass warrant an emergency room visit?”
- “You’re running a fever. Get back in bed.”
- “Don’t tell me you’re afraid of doctors.”
- “No, urine does not help jellyfish stings and don’t you dare unzip your pants!”
- “I hope you’ve learned a valuable lesson about inappropriate uses for vacuum hoses.”
- “Stop scratching or I’ll duct tape oven mitts to your hands.”
- “You won’t feel a thing.”
- “I made you chicken noodle soup.”
- “It’s just a finger prick - don’t be such a baby.”
- “The pregnancy test is positive.”
- “Have you tried drinking out of the wrong side of a glass?”
- “Does that hurt?”
- “Trust me, I’m a doctor.”
…and my muse will tell you one of the following after a random number generation.
MIX OF FLUFF, ANGST, NSFW, LYRICS AS PHRASES, ETC.
1-139
The original post was missing so I just went and found a bunch of sentences and posted them under the cut because of reasons.
- “Don’t lie to me.”
- “You promised…”
- “I thought you changed.”
- “You were supposed to be different.”
- “I trusted you!”
- “I loved you once.”
- “This is your fault!”
- “Tell me they’re lying.”
- “Please, don’t do this!”
- “I don’t believe you.”
- “What have you done!?”
- “You’re never going to change.”
- “I can’t even look at you right now.”
- “Tell me the truth!”
- “Why won’t you look at me?”
- “Stay away from me!”
- “… I hate you.”
[[Text]: it glows. i had to have it.
[Text]: i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren’t you proud of me?
[Text]: you told me your favorite colors were “pink” “no pants” and “Mexican food”
[Text]: I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
[Text]: YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
[Text]: This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I’m too hungover to ask questions
[Text]: I think my nap took me to another dimension
[Text]: i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
[Text]: I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I’m conflicted.
[Text]: I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
[Text]: i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
[Text]: He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were “stay away from my princess parts. they’re renovating.”
[Text]: It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
[Text]: If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
[Text]: The real estate’s complaint had the words “loud squealing at 2am” in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
[Text]: Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
[Text]: was it mean of me to chase him screaming “DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!”
[Text]: I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
[Text]: If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
[Text]: Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
[Text]: I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
[Text]: And he probably thinks I’m in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
[Text]: I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
[Text]: i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
[Text]: A true measure of a good friend is how long they respond to their friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
[Text]: Apparently I’m a “fire hazard”
[Text]: Just did shrooms. Don’t feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing’s happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
[Text]: I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
[Text]: do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it’s really, really cool when u think about it
[Text]: Well I’m about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I’m disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
[Text]: im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper “I’m not wearing underwear” but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
[Text]: Ducking stuck downtown…all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
[Text]: we’re making bets on your personal life
[Text]: Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being…
“Can we go see the Easter Bunny?”
“Help me pull up the zipper on this bunny costume, I’ve got places to be.”
“Let’s stay up late,we’ll get too see the Easter Bunny!”
“I am the Easter Bunny.”
"Put on these bunny ears for me, we can match!”
“I’m setting up traps around my house, I’m catching that bunny!”
“I’m terrified of the Easter Bunny.”
"Do you think I can send this basket back and get another one? I really don’t like what’s in this one.”
“The Easter Bunny isn’t real!”
“Is the Easter Bunny real?”
“I’m allergic to bunnies, how are we going to explain that to the Easter Bunny?”
"Wanna color eggs?”
“Why are you painting that egg that color? Doesn’t seem very Easter-y”
“Wanna come to our egg hunt?”
“Come on and help me hide these eggs!”
“You aren’t supposed to hide real eggs.”
"I just bit into a raw egg.”
“I’m going to egg some houses, you in or out?”
“My entire house is covered in eggs! Do you know who is responsible for this?!”
“I hope I get tons of candy in my basket!”
“I just want a basket full of money.”
“Eww Dark Chocolate!”
“I don’t think this is even chocolate.”
"Perfect, I’m sick and bedridden on Easter.”
“I don’t celebrate Easter, sorry.”
Inbox me a “♡” (no peeking!) and I will randomly generate a number between 1 and 20 and write you a drabble. Mixture of unadulterated tooth-rotting fluff, potentially nfsw and “flangst” (fluffy angst) prompts!
- [Text]: There’s blood. There’s a lot of blood.
- [Text]: I’m going to need a ride home. Don’t ask why.
- [Text]: Mission failed.
- [Text]: I may have accidentally handcuffed myself to the stairs.
- [Text]: When you get home, remember this. It wasn’t me.
- [Text]: I hear the voices…
